Changes

It had been three years since I was last here at the Christian Light Ministries School in Port-au-Prince. There were a few reasons why I waited so long to return, a couple of which were lack of funds and not getting enough time off work. I didn't realize the main reason, 'til I actually got here, was fear.


I usually pride myself on taking change in stride, being flexible and spontaneous, simply living on the wind and having faith that everything will be okay. I'm finally starting to realize that was just a facade I was striving to make reality. I've really been more gripped by fear and rigidity in the past couple of years than I knew.


The two times I had gone to Haiti before were filled with amazing memories. I went with a few very special people, made friends with a couple others, we worked really hard and we did a lot of good. After leaving in 2008 the hurricane hit and our friend Sherrie took in a lot of orphans from Gonaives. Then in 2010 the earthquake took the life of one of my favorite students, leveled half of Sherrie's house (above) and caused her to take in a few more orphans and move into her unfinished school down the street.


Lots of change.


I wasn't there when any of this happened, but I still ran away. I wasn't ready to see the damage for myself. I wasn't ready to dive in to a place where ~40 orphans, starved for love, would vie for my attention and hugs. I wasn't ready to share a room with several other women in a schoolhouse. I wanted to hold and tickle and play little Peterson again and I wanted her home back.


As it turned out, I felt more at home being squeezed into a little room with 4 other women, in the middle of a construction site than I ever did in that big mansion down the street. It was noisy, chaotic and full of activity every single waking moment, from sun-up to sun-down every single day. Love hit me like a wall of sound at a rock concert from each orphan and I didn't have to even think about how to love them back. Simply allowing a child to wrap their arms around me, pronouncing words in a book for them, or just holding a sick child in my lap and letting his fever break on me was enough. I have never felt more at peace, or more at home.


Change can be a good thing, no matter how scary or uncomfortable. It can hurt- a lot, but try to remember to let it to stretch you and help you grow more flexible and courageous. You want these kind of stretch marks, the scars help you remember from where you've come. You'll be surprised by what you'll learn about yourself  when you look back on them.